The Gods as John Mulaney Jokes
Zeus: My dad pulled into the drive thru and ordered one black coffee for himself.
Hera: I would always think to my self “how could a person kill someone?” How could a person murder another person? And then I got cheated on, and I was like “Oh Okay.”
Poseidon: Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck one is happy!
Demeter: When I got busted with a one-hitter at a Rusted Root concert I did not serve hard time. I think I got an award.
Ares: He’s not gonna know how to fight back with two little sneakers coming at him! Street smarts!
Athena: College is just your opinion. It’s just raising your hand and being like “I think Emily Dickinson is a lesbian” and it’s like, partial credit.
Apollo: The juke box was three plays for a dollar, so we put in seven dollars and selected 21 plays of Tom Jones’s “What’s New Pussycat”
Artemis: Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.
Aphrodite: Eighth graders will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They’ll be like “ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha! Look at that high-waisted man he got feminine hips!”
Hephaestus: If you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father, you’re an insane person.
Hermes: Some people give off a vibe right away just like “do not fuck with me.” My vibe is more like “hey you could pour soup in my lap and I’d probably apologize to you.”
Dionysus: “Is this whisky or perfume.” I grabbed it, drank all of it. And said “It’s perfume.” And it was.
Hades: I married my wife. I love saying my wife. It sounds so adult. “That’s my wife!” It’s great, you sound like a person. Being married is so nice, I never knew relationships were suppose to make you feel good about yourself.
Hestia: In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
